Sorry if you don’t understand the title’s MMORPG language…

Group assignments piss me off.  I have a feeling that teachers make group assignments because they think it will prepare us for a real world job where you need to work with coworkers on million-dollar projects.  Let me give you a clue, teachers…the people in those real world jobs?  They were deemed competent by managers.  They won the pick during a grueling interview process and their livelihood depends on keeping their job.  They’re not complete fools who got into the job because the company lets everybody in.

I know what you’re thinking.  Those responsible people in the workplace already WENT through school and group projects, maybe that’s how they learned to be so professional.  Wrong.  Dead wrong.  Slap yourself for thinking that.  I guarantee you those people hated group projects because it made them look bad.  Why?  They give a shit.  They already gave a shit before the group project.  It’s a life decision to give a shit, and some people just don’t…and never will.

Going through a group project is a horrible experience.  I’d rather be lost in the woods and be forced to eat tree bark and insects for the duration of the project.

Let’s go through this blow by frustrating blow.

Meet your new enemies

“Enemies?  What?  They’re your partners!”  If you thought that…you have much to learn.  These people will stop at nothing to impede progress, but I’ll go over that later.

So the teacher doles out the names of the groups, unless you’re unlucky enough to have to pick your own groups.  If having to do a group project is not bad enough, having to pick your partners is like getting spit on after you get kicked in the nuts.  Who the hell am I going to pick?  I don’t know these freakshows and I don’t want to.  I spend every day looking at others’ test scores when they get them back and they’re always lower than mine.  Now I have to pick which people suck less?

So friends go with friends and there’s always that loser group that doesn’t know anybody.  I’m always in that group.  I see it coming a mile away.  I just sit there and wait until I see people looking around with a dumb, blank stare…partner-less and afraid.  I walk over, ask to be their (obvious) partner (like I need their permission) and we begin by saying something derogatory about the assignment.  A few more partner-less people see the castaway group forming and join in.  OK…now we can work…

…Unless you’re in a group that are friends.  Standby for the entire first work session while everybody jizzes on eachother’s faces because they’re so happy to be working together.  Oh well, maybe we’ll get some work done next session.

Work session 2

By now, everybody realizes no work has been done.  The general mood of the session is “get it done.”  Now it’s time for everybody to say HOW they’re going to get the work done and assign jobs.  Nobody wants to get shit on with all the work, so the tactic-minded people mentally pick out what’s the easiest for them to do and claim that to do.  The smart-minded people pick the thing they know anybody else would jack up horribly, and claim that so they can do it right.  What you can count on though, is somebody thinking they’re doing more than their fair share.  For you people, I’ve got news for you.  You’re going to do loads more than your fair share by the end of the project anyway, so get used to it.

If everybody miraculously shows up to class for this session, by the end, everybody will “kind of” know what they’re doing, no work has been done, BUT everybody has a mental note about what, minimally, they have to do by the next session to not look like a slouch.

Work session 3-???

Every session after that has a few things to look forward to:

• Key people don’t show up for class – you waste a day.  This is actually a blessing for some people-an excuse to talk/text all class.
• Somebody has to redo another person’s work.
• Spending 15-20 minutes whining that you’re never going to finish – blame it on the project (but really the people).  Usually happens towards the end.
• Disagreements on what the teacher wanted – blaming the teacher.
• A lot of wishful thinking planning (“Well I can take that off your hands, I have a sweet computer app that will do that for me in a few minutes…it’s going to be da bomb!”) – End result is never as good as the hype.
• For some reason, people are scared of their own (great) ideas so they tweak them so that they sound better to the group…but would suck for the project.  Then the group shoots it down, while the originator tries to better explain the true idea they’re just not telling anybody.  Apparently nobody wants to be the nerd.  How is this learning?

I usually spend these work sessions staring at people and imagining their deaths.  Or imagining me going complete Jackie Chan kung fu on the entire class…using different objects to my advantage, and ultimately, walking calmly out the door after doling out so much devastation that the teacher, bloodied on the floor, gives me an A on my project and everyone else an F.  Want to be my partner?  No?  GOOD. THANK YOU.

Hand in or present the project

I will never, EVER, be the “presenter” in a group project.  Why would I want to present to the class this total train-wreck of a project?  To me, being a presenter means you have to believe in the product.  I’m not Billy Mays.  I just can’t go around and promote filth.

Also, when I watch the presenter in my own group, I pity him.  Look at him.  Poor bastard up there.  Spouting out everybody’s cheap ideas that don’t have any substance…knowing he could do better.

One more thing – I GET FLIPPING GRADED ON THIS?!?!?!?  That’s like people judging a person’s suicide jump off a building.

What have we learned?

• Nothing about the subject
• Never be a presenter
• You can fantasize about mass murder – just don’t do it
• Nothing about the subject
• This probably happens more often at ECC, because it’s loaded with maniacs
• Group projects in school will not help you with real world group projects.  Just hire competent people.  When they group, they’ll get it done
• I was right the first time, I really don’t care for people
• Nothing about the subject

How to survive the group project when you know it’s doomed

Always assume the leadership role if you are aiming for less overall frustration.  Always assume the typing role if you want less thinking to do.  Always assume the tedious roles if you want a good grade.  Always present the project at the end if you think you’re good enough to take a C project and make it seem like an A.

Be up front right at the beginning.  Those people are like dogs.  If you wait to complain about them doing jack diddly all class, they’ll just keep doing it and you’ll lose your edge and probably a bit of grade.

Dogs need direction.  Give them it.

Reward the dogs.  “Oh sweet you made this?  Nice.”